Marc's True News

1955 -- 2011

2011-10-05T23:12:00.000-05:00

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."

-- Steve Jobs

TWO AMERICAS

2011-09-30T20:32:00.002-05:00

Republican Congressman John Fleming of Louisiana, according to the Wall Street Journal, has a gross income of $6.3 million. Here he is in on MSNBC to complain about the unfairness of tax increases on the rich.

"The amount that I have to invest in my business and feed my family is more like $600,000 of that $6.3 million. So by the time I feed my family I have, maybe, $400,000 left over to invest in new locations, upgrade my locations, buy more equipment."

That's $200,000 to feed his family? We really are living in two Americas, and I'm not living in his.

THAT'S GOOD

2011-09-27T19:34:00.002-05:00

Steve Stevenson, a hunter, shot a grizzly bear in Billings, Montana.

That's good.

But the wounded bear then turned on Stevenson and attacked him.

That's bad.

But Stevenson's hunting companion, Ty Bell, fired a shot that drove the bear away.

That's good.

But the shot that Bell fired hit Stevenson in the chest, killing him.

That's bad.

No charges will be filed.

That's good.

OOPS!

2011-09-26T23:04:00.003-05:00

Texas Governor Rick Perry on Social Security, from an MSNBC appearance in November of 2010:

"Give it back to the states. Why is the federal government even in the the pension program or the health care delivery program?"

Perry on Social Security, from the 9-22-11 GOP debate:

"We never said that we were going to move this back to the states."

Oops!

2011-09-26T22:53:00.000-05:00

Michele Bachman in the 9-22-11 GOP debate:

"President Obama has the lowest public approval ratings of any president in modern time."

Actually, the following presidents all have had lower job approval ratings than Barack Obama's low of 38 percent.

Harry Truman
Lyndon Johnson
Richard Nixon
Gerald Ford
Jimmy Carter
Ronald Reagan
George H. W. Bush
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush

Oops!

SOMALI GOT HIS GUN

2011-09-23T02:54:00.001-05:00

A Somali radio station held a Quran recitation contest for children.

First prize was $700 and an AK-47.

Second prize was $500 and an AK-47.

Third prize was two hand grenades.

I'm not making this up.

DEATH DIET

2011-09-22T11:22:00.001-05:00

Admitted white supremacist Lawrence Russell Brewer has been put to death in Texas for chaining a black man to a truck and dragging him to death.

He ordered and was served his final meal request.

two chicken fried steaks smothered in gravy, with sliced onions,
a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger,
a cheese omelet with other ingredients,
a large bowl of fried okra with ketchup,
a pound of barbecue,
a half loaf of white bread,
three fajitas,
a pint of Blue Bell ice cream,
a meat lover's pizza
and a slab of peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts.

He didn't eat a bit.

(CNN)

(Update - The Texas prison warden has anounced it is stopping special last meals for condemned inmates.)

OOPS!

2011-09-21T05:34:00.002-05:00

A Taliban suicide bomber in Pakistan targeted a senior police officer, Chaudhry Aslam, for assassination, The blast killed eight people and left behind a crater ten feet deep.

Aslaam and his family were unhurt.

Oops!

HEAVEN ON WHEELS

2011-09-19T18:23:00.000-05:00

It was "Bikers' Sunday" yesterday at Tulsa's International Gospel Center. Members of the Righteous Riders Motorcycle Group rode their rides into the sanctuary for the "Blessing of the Bikes."

Someone once told me that God rides a Harley, but I've never seen it myself.

LUNATIC LETTER

2011-09-12T16:25:00.001-05:00

Here are bits of the latest lunatic letter to the editor of my local paper, The Tulsa World, under the headline "Impeach Obama" --

"He lied with every breath he took during the last presidential campaign in order to deceive the American people into electing him.

"I have wondered why such a bigoted, unpatriotic, crooked, egotist has gotten by this long without having articles of impeachment brought against him. His every action -- and the radical people he surrounds himself with -- clearly indicates he has nothing but sinister plans for the future of our country. ...

"What kind of upbringing did he have to cause such misguided hatred of his country? Apparently he has not a hint of idea how average Americans think, what their values are, nor the heritage that gives them tremendous pride in their country.

"Impeachment proceedings should be initiated as soon as possible. We will not have a country left if he serves out the remainder of his present term."

"THEY ARE STUPID"

2011-09-11T01:43:00.001-05:00

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. Among them are H. L. Hunt, a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

-- President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1954.

TRUE CRIME

2011-09-10T00:54:00.000-05:00

A California jury has failed to unanimously convict of murder a teen who, before a classroom of witnesses, took careful aim at the back of a classmate's head and shot him to death.

Go figure.

2011-09-10T00:50:00.001-05:00

An Arkansas man who confessed to killing his one month old son is demanding a new mental evaluation to prove that he really is not guilty by reason of mental defect.

But if he knows he's crazy, then can he really be crazy?

Just askin'.

2011-09-10T00:45:00.001-05:00

A marijuana truck overturned on a San Jose street, spewing bundles all over the intersection. The driver ran away.

Drivers and pedestrians scooped up most of the packages, so little cleanup was required.

OOPS

2011-09-09T03:06:00.000-05:00

Washington D.C. is suing the non-profit Cornell Jones Miracle Hands for (D.C. says) taking a more than $300,000 city grant for a job training center for people with HIV/AIDS and instead building the "Stadium Club" featuring nude dancers.

Oops.

OOPS

2011-09-08T15:23:00.000-05:00

Two suicide bombers in Pakistan targeted Brigadier General Khurram Shahzad, deputy head of the Frontier Corps, for assassination. The blast killed 22 people. Shahzad survived.

Oops.

A SOBER PEOPLE

2011-09-07T12:41:00.000-05:00

Salt Lake City police who set up checkpoints over the Labor Day Weekend stopped more than two thousand motorists failed to find even one drunken driver.

Just thought you'd like to know.

NO SQUIRTING, WE'RE IRANIAN

2011-09-05T23:39:00.001-05:00

Iran has banned squirt guns.

When a good natured water fight broke out at a Tehran water park, police raided the place and arrested dozens of young men and women. Security forces are still tracking others down. Seventeen more people were arrested at a water park in the city of Bandar Abbas. Agents are searching toy stores for the source of the guns. Water warriors are being forced to confess on TV.

The Fars News Agency, a mouthpiece for Iran's Revolutionary guards, claims Zionists and Americans are instigating the squirt gun fights.

Tehran's police chief promises, "Police will deal forcefully with park violators who are threatening the security and peace of our society."

And lawmaker Hossein Ibrahimi adds, "These events are a disgrace to our revolution. Our security forces and judiciary must stop the spreading of these morally corrupt actions."

(WSJ)

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN TO COME TO THE AID OF THE PARTY

2011-09-04T00:19:00.001-05:00

Arizona only officially recognizes five political parties: Democratic, Republican, Libertarian, Green and Americans Elect.

But some others show up in election records. They include the...

Disaffected Party.
Flying Spaghetti Monster Party.
Apathatarians Party
Zombie Hunters of America Party.
Awesome Party.
Charles Barkleyism Party.
Galactic Empire Party.
Democrasaurus Rex Party.

And the...

Dance Party Party.

TOUGH TIMES IN TULSA

2011-09-03T01:51:00.001-05:00

Are Tulsa politics becoming a blood sport?

Tulsa City Council incumbent G.T, Bynum was invited to the home of Tulsa City Candidate Robert Pinney to discuss things. It was a few days after the shooting of Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.

There, Council candidate said to Council incumbent, "You know, I'm really surprised you came to meet with me today with all the stuff that happened this weekend, because it is passionate guys like me who shoot politicians like you."

Pinney now gets a security escort whenever he visits City Hall.

Let the campaign continue!

A VENGEFUL GOD

2011-09-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now."

-- Michele Bachmann

THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES

2011-08-27T17:35:00.000-05:00

My cancer has spread to my lungs and brain.

So far, I have or have had cancer in my colon, lymph nodes, liver, lungs and brain.

Collect all five!

Treatments have included surgery, surgery, chemo, embolisation, radio ablation and surgery.

Next week, I start on radiation.

The adventure continues.

I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE

2011-08-26T07:23:00.000-05:00

Remember that earthquake that hit the East Coast the other day? Now we know what caused it.

Gays.

So says New York Rabbi Yehuda Levin. He reports, "One of the reasons that God brings earthquakes to the world is because of the transgression of homosexuality. The Talmud states, 'You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn't belong. I too, will shake the Earth.'”

But, hey, some of his best friends might be gay.

The rabbi says, "We don't hate homosexuals. I feel bad for homosexuals. It's a revolt against God and literally, there's hell to pay."

So, that explains it, then.

REPUBLICAN MEMORIES OF 9/11/2001

2011-08-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

Here are how some Republicans remember the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Towers and the Pentagon:

"We inherited the most tragic attack on our own soil in our nation’s history. And President Bush dealt with it". -- Mary Matalin, December 2009.
“We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term." -- President Bush's ex–Press Secretary Dana Perino November 2009.
"We had no domestic attacks under Bush.” -- Ex–New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, January 2010.

"We were certainly safe between 2000 and 2008 — I don’t remember any terrorist attacks on American soil during that period of time.” -- Fox News host Eric Bolling, July 2011.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

2011-08-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

"You develop an instant global consciousnesses, a people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world, and a compulsion to do something about it From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, 'Look at that, you son of a bitch'"

-- Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell.

SENATOR COBURN EXPLAINS IT ALL TO YOU

2011-08-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn addressed local gatherings on Tuesday.He explained to the assembled that President Obama's "intent is to create dependency, because it worked so well for him."
"As an African-American male," Coburn explained, Obama received "tremendous advantages from a lot of these programs."

Coburn called his fellow Congress members "a class of career elitists" and "cowards" and said "it's a good thing I don't pack a gun on the Senate floor."

Speaking for my fellow Americans I believe we all agree that that is, indeed, a good thing.

DOWNGRADED, DEGRADED

2011-08-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

So Standard and Poor has downgraded America's credit rating from AAA to AA+.

Is this the same ratings firm that gave a AAA rating to bundled mortgages containing toxic assets which bankrupted banks, crashed the stock market, ruined the economy, put Americans out of work, forced a government bailout and nearly caused a worldwide depression?

Yes, it is.

CRIME NEWS

2011-08-12T09:26:00.009-05:00

Here in Tulsa, the judge sentenced a man to 75 years in prison for robbing a Walgreen's pharmacy while he free on bond for robbing a Walgreen's pharmacy.

Try once, and if you don't succeed...

***

As best I can make out, it was a game of strip golf that left a naked lady on the putting green at the Boiling Springs golf course over in Woodward County, Oklahoma, during the Elks Lodge Rodeo Golf Tournament. The sheriff says he won't press charges because he can't find a complaining witness.

***

And police don't know why a man climbed 150 feet up a Tulsa radio tower during a lightning storm., but they'll try to find out as soon as he comes down. He's been up there now for 19 hours.

(8/13 update -- After 36 hours he's still up there, and drawing a crowd.)

(8/14 -- He's still up there.)
(8/15 -- Still there!)
(8/16 -- Still.
8/17 update-- After 128 hours, he's down and safe, dehydrated but OK. Police are taking him to what they call a "mental health facility," what I call the "booby hatch.")

###

BETTER FOR THE BULL

2011-08-01T02:04:00.000-05:00

This year's Weld County Fair in Colorado features bullfighting.

But it's a kinder, gentler bullfight. Instead of matadors, there will be rodeo clowns. And instead of killing the bull, the clowns will just annoy it a little.

POLITICS AS USUAL

2011-07-25T22:13:00.000-05:00

Tulsa City Council elections are coming up. The candidate field includes:

One convicted felon.
Two deadbeat dads.
One deadbeat mom.
One arrest for assault with a deadly weapon.
One arrest for assault on a policeman.
One arrest for obstruction of justice.
Two DUI arrests,
Four bankruptcies.

Let the campaigns begin!

CHICKEN CHOW

2011-07-20T13:45:00.002-05:00

The letter board outside my local Tulsa Burger King reads --

Chicken Meal

$3.49

Does this sound appetising to you? To me it sounds like the stuff you spread on the ground for the chickens to peck at.

CALLING JIMMY CARTER

2011-07-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

Here in Oklahoma, the Cherokee Nation held an election to choose a chief.

They've counted the vote three times.

They came up with different figures each time.

Where are the U.N. observers when you need them?

HOLD THE APPLAUSE

2011-07-13T17:01:00.002-05:00

There's a new form of anti-government protest in Belarus.

First, someone stands on a sidewalk, clapping. Then others join in, clapping. Eventually a crowd forms of people just standing there, clapping.

Then the police arrive, beat the clappers up and arrest them. Finally, a judge sentences them to 15 days in jail.

In Belarus, applause is illegal.

THE JEW FROM GALILEE

2011-07-12T12:47:00.001-05:00

My local library pulled the book "The Man From Galilee" by Daniel Halevi Bloom after a patron complained the book was too Jewish.

The book is about the life of Jesus Christ.

The patron also complained that the book was written by "a Jewish author."

The Tulsa Library says it didn't pull the book because of the complaint. A committee reviewed the book and noted that it had been read so many times that it was in poor condition. So rather than replace this popular book with a fresh copy, they just dropped it from the collection.

Bold move, Tulsa library.

($39 from Amazon, $9.36 used)

I DON'T NEED NO EJACATION

2011-06-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

The Instructional Materials committee of the Richland, Washington school district has voted to ban the book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie.

Not one person on the seven member committee has read the book, but they heard bad things about it.

Makes me want to read it. ($12.91 at Amazon, $6.35 paperback.)

2011-06-22T14:51:00.003-05:00

The Picayune School District in Mississippi had laid off 50 employees, making the district more picayune than ever.

SET 'EM UP, KNOCK 'EM DOWN

2011-06-20T17:02:00.001-05:00

"Pursuing the Americans and Jews is not an impossible task.

"Killing them is not impossible, whether by a bullet, a knife stab, a bomb or a strike with an iron bar."

-- Ayman al-Zawahri, successor to Osama bin Laden as leader of al-Qaida.

"As we did both seek to capture and succeed in killing bin Laden, we certainly will do the same thing with Zawahri."

-- U.S. Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

ALCOHOL RELATED

2011-06-20T08:47:00.005-05:00

Bristol Palin explains, in her new book, how she lost her virginity.

She was drunk.

Says she doesn't remember a bit of it.

When she confronted her boyfriend in the morning he apologized and promised that he wouldn't do it again.

But he did it again.

And Palin eventually became pregnant even though she was on birth control pills which she says were just for her cramps and not for, you know, birth control.

Still, Palin later made thousands of dollars as a spokeswoman against teen pregnancy so things turned out, you know, okay.

LOVE, AND THE CAR

2011-06-20T08:22:00.001-05:00

A Florida man lay down in front of his girlfriend's car so that she couldn't leave without running him over.

She ran him over.

When planning a course of action, it's best to consider all possible outcomes.

DEAD, BUT OFF THE HOOK

2011-06-18T19:00:00.002-05:00

The U.S. has has formally dropped criminal charges against Osama bin Laden.

He being dead and all.

Osama still faces a number civil lawsuits.

MAN BITES DOG

2011-06-16T20:50:00.000-05:00

A Florida couple foreclosed on their bank.

Bank of America foreclosed on the couple's home. Problem was, the couple never had a mortgage. But the bank didn't believe them, so they had to hire a lawyer to straighten things out.

Then the judge awarded the homeowners about $2,500 in legal fees, but the bank simply refused to pay. So their lawyer showed up at the bank branch with sheriff's deputies and a moving truck to seize the bank's assets.

The bank paid.

LUNATIC LETTER TO THE EDITOR

2011-06-15T07:50:00.004-05:00

Here's a piece of the latest lunatic letter to the editor of my local paper, the Tulsa World.

"It has become increasingly obvious that President Obama does not have a valid U.S. birth certificate and is a foreign national who hates America, our military and our way of life. It is also apparent that his ascent to the presidency was orchestrated by the left knowing knowing he was not eligible under the U.S. Constitution. They are trying to make his eligible by precedent, thus making the Constitution meaningless. He was groomed for this in Russia in the 1980s to make a push for a global Marxist society..."

And so on.

My first thought was that the writer was a lunatic.

But my second thought was that this letter was a clever satire, way too over the top to be serious.

But on third thought, I decided the writer was a lunatic.

AND IN CALIFORNIA, THEY WANT TO BAN IT

2011-06-15T07:31:00.001-05:00

About two thousand boys went under the knife for a mass circumcision in the Philippines.

Just think, those are enough foreskins to make a set of matched luggage and a pair of shoes.

THOSE WACKY WEGISWATORS

2011-06-15T07:22:00.000-05:00

Legislators in Alabama, Iowa, Louisiana, Pennsylvania, South Carolina and Virginia are working on laws to deny driver's licenses to high school dropouts.

That's just what this country needs: uneducated teens who can't drive to work.

VOLUNTEERS, ANYONE?

2011-06-15T07:13:00.001-05:00

Some Afghan police are collecting an "Islamic tax." The tax is ten percent of whatever you've got.

Police say the tax is voluntary. Those who decline to volunteer can be beaten into a coma with rifle butts, as has happened.

This, too, is voluntary.

CREATIVE ACCOUNTING

2011-06-15T07:06:00.000-05:00

Groupon had an operating loss of $420 million last year. But the company says its "adjusted consolidated segment operating income" was $60.6 million.

Or as The New York Times puts it, "The world would be richer if Groupon's notions of accounting caught on."

THE SCENT OF A MAN

2011-06-15T06:53:00.013-05:00

Schick has announced the world's first men's scented razor, the Schick Xtreme3 Refresh disposable.

It smells like spearmint, citrus and rosemary.

Is that what a man smells like? I wouldn't know; I'm a Gillette man myself.

FALLING SKIES

2011-06-09T20:23:00.001-05:00

Last month a woman took a deadly dive from University Towers, a high rise apartment building couple blocks from me. Police called it suicide.

This week a man took the lethal plunge. Police say his wife helped him, they call it murder.

My neighborhood is becoming a hard hat zone.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

2011-06-08T18:13:00.000-05:00

Fired Tulsa Police Officer Eric Hill testified in the federal trial of his former boss, retired Tulsa Police Corporal Harold Wells, who is charged, among other things, with planting dope on drug suspects.

Hill testified, "The general philosophy that was taught to us by Corporal Wells is that you keep the guilty guilty and never make the innocent guilty."

How comforting.

QUOTABLE

2011-06-04T14:02:00.000-05:00

"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringin' those bells and, um, makin' sure as he's ridin' his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that, uh, we were gonna be secure and, and we were gonna be free and we were gonna be armed."

-- Sarah Palin on the midnight ride of Paul Revere.

2011-06-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

Dr. Jack Kevorkian died today at the age of 83.

Of natural causes.

...IF YOU'VE GOT 'EM

2011-06-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

China has banned smoking in public places. But the law carries no penalty.

That's my kind of law.

THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS ... WHO?

2011-06-02T09:07:00.001-05:00

The Ku Klux Klan and the Westboro Baptist Church protested against each other at Arlington National Cemetery on Memorial Day.

Sometimes it's hard to know which side to root for.

READ IT AND WEEP

2011-05-29T09:57:00.001-05:00

Here's a piece of the most lunatic letter to the editor this week, from my local newspaper "The Tulsa World."

"The electoral college needs to be abandoned before the 2012 election. If not, the 'governmental dependent' will elect him again. We cannot stand another four years of Obama's liberal ideas. In the 2008 election, the number of states won by McCain - 29; by Obama - 19; square miles of land won by McCain - 2,427,000, by Obama - 580,000; and population of counties won by McCain - 143 million, by Obama - 127. The land area won by McCain was owned by taxpaying U.S. citizens, Obama carried the inner-city welfare areas."

Since Barack Obama won the popular vote, it's hard to see how abolishing the electoral college would have changed things. Perhaps if the vote were limited to white male landowners, as our founding fathers intended...?

2011-05-18T01:41:00.001-05:00

On Monday, murder suspect and Snohomish County, Washington, jail inmate Joshua Monson stabbed his lawyer in the neck with a pencil.

On Friday he was assigned a new lawyer who he then stabbed with a pencil.

Monson remains in jail awaiting a new lawyer.

2011-05-17T09:14:00.002-05:00

There will be no Samuel Clem\ens Cove on Lake Tahoe.

Clemens, aka Mark Twain, camped on the shores of the lake and wrote about it in his book "Roughing It."

But the U.S. Board on Geographic Names turned down a proposal to name a cove after him, noting that Clemens also accidently started a forest fire there 150 years ago.

Some things you just don't forget.

QUOTABLE

2011-05-14T07:45:00.001-05:00

"The Republicans were so pleased by the Osama bin Laden raid that today they granted President Obama full citizenship."

-- David Letterman

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, IT BRINGS SO MANY CHANGES

2011-05-10T04:15:00.006-05:00

Doctor assisted suicide is legal in the states of Montana, Oregon and Washington. But if your health insurance doesn't cover the procedure, there are do-it-yourself kits.

The Gladd Group of La Mesa, California sells a popular one by mail. For $60 you get:

a plastic bag for your head to go in.

and a plastic tube to attach the bag to a tank of helium.

The tank is extra. Get it from a party supply store, hook it up, and your party's over.

Gladd sells up to 60 of these kits a month to people all over the world, 30 this year to Oregon alone.

Of course, they don't get a lot of repeat customers.

2011-05-06T07:41:00.000-05:00

When a serial killer is caught, reporters always interview his clueless neighbors who say things like "I had no idea. He seemed so normal. He was quiet ad kept to himself but he was a nice guy, and he liked cats."

And so it was with Osama bin Laden. His neighbors in the quiet suburban neighborhood in Abbottabad, Pakistan didn't know bin Laden lived in the biggest compound on the street, but they'd met the men who lived there and said they were model neighbors who were polite and never caused trouble.

When the neighborhood children lost a ball over the compound wall, the men didn't return it. But they paid 50 rupees for a new ball. And when the kids threw balls into the compound to make more money, the men paid them, 50 rupees a ball.

And I bet they liked cats.

(New York Times)

HELL HATH NO FURY

2011-05-03T08:23:00.001-05:00

Here in Tulsa, an 18 year old high school girl kicked in the front door of her ex-boyfriend's apartment, stabbed him several times, threw a pan of hot grease on him and shot at him.

This is one girl you don't want to break up with.

BREAKING NEWS

2011-05-02T23:24:00.002-05:00

Osama bin dead for a day now.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

2011-05-01T05:03:00.002-05:00

"No one is happier -- no one is prouder -- to put this birth certificate matter to rest than 'The Donald' and that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like 'Did we fake the moon landing?'”

-- President Barack at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

THE WOMAN MADE HIM DO IT

2011-04-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

Sirhan Sirhan, convicted of assassinating Robert Kennedy before a roomful of witnesses, has finally explained what happened that day in 1968.

In new legal papers his lawyers have filed in court, Sirhan says a woman in a polka-dot dress used mind control on him. Besides, Sirhan says, none of his bullets killed Kennedy; he was just a diversion for the real shooter.

So, then, I guess that explains it.

AND TWO CAKES, TWO CHOIRS, ONE WEDDING RING, A ROLLS, A BENTLEY, AN ORGANIST...

2011-04-29T01:39:00.000-05:00

Today is the long awaited wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, featuring:

2 billion (estimated) TV viewers.
10,000 canapes
7,000 reporters.
1,900 wedding guests.
650 reception guests.
300 dinner/dance guests.
200 horses with soldiers
18 royal horses.
8 members of the bridal party.
7 RAF aircraft in a fly-by.
5 horse-drawn carriages.
2 trumpet fanfare teams.
1 official harpist.
And a partridge in a pear tree.

(I'm just kidding about that last one. But you never know.)

WEIGHTY MEASURE or WHO MOVED MY MILLIGRAMS

2011-04-28T21:42:00.000-05:00

A pound just isn't what it used to be.

A pound, by definition, is .453597 kilograms.

And a kilo, by definition, is the weight of a cylinder of 90% platinum and 10% iridium standing 1.54212598 inches high and 1.54212598 in diameter.

The official International Prototype kilo cylinder is in a triple-locked vault at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sevres, France. But there's a problem. The official cylinder now weighs 50 milligrams less than the unofficial cylinders stored in the same vault.

What happened to the missing milligrams? Barring theories of alien abduction and mass dilation, no one knows.

The official international standards for length, volume and time remain unchanged.

WILL THE WORST PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES PLEASE STAND UP

2011-04-27T00:56:00.003-05:00

"I think Bush is probably the worst president in the history of the United States."

-- Donald Trump, on CNN's "Situation Room," with host Wolfe Blitzer

"I always said the worst president was Jimmy Carter, guess what? Jimmy Carter goes to second place. Barack Obama has been the worst president ever [in] the history of this country."

-- Donald Trump to Sean Hannity on FOX News.

MAN BARKS DOG

2011-04-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

A Mason, Ohio man is charged with barking at a police dog.

Defendant Ryan Stephens calls it a free speech issue.

(Or a "free bark" issue.)

Besides, Ryan says, the dog started it.

Police say alcohol was involved.

The maximum penalty for this second degree misdemeanor is a $750 fine and 90 days in jail.

That would be 13 days in dog years.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

2011-04-25T03:20:00.001-05:00

"If this is Monday, the House is repealing health care."

-- Evan Tracey of the Campaign Media Analysis Group.

The U.S. House of Representatives has voted 15 times to repeal last year's health care legislation, so far unsuccessfully.

ASK THE POPE

2011-04-24T19:46:00.003-05:00

QUESTION: Why is Easter so late this year?

ANSWER: Easter falls on the first Sunday after the full moon after the vernal equinox.

For Church purposes, the vernal equinox is defined as March 21st on the Gregorian calendar, regardless of when the astronomical equinox occurs.

For church purposes, the full moon is defined as the 14th day of the month on the Jewish calendar, regardless of when the actual full moon occurs.

The latest Easter can be is April 25th. That happened in 1943, it won't happen again until 2038.

QUESTION: When is Christmas this year?

ANSWER: December 25th.

GETTING INTIMATE WITH THE TSA

2011-04-17T12:23:00.000-05:00

I got felt up on my way to Chicago. The airport security man touched me everywhere. But I can't complain.

No, really. I can't complain.

The latest TSA guidelines for screeners say if you complain, you could be a terrorist.

A legal counsel for the ACLU explains it this way. "It's circular reasoning where, you know, I'm going to ask someone to 'surrender their rights; if they refuse, that's evidence that I need to take their rights away from them. And it's simply inappropriate."

That having been said, the general rule should be to never piss off someone who can give you a forcible cavity search.

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

2011-04-11T01:50:00.001-05:00

Today is election day in Nigeria.

The death toll is 12.

THE MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE PERSON ABOUT AFRICA SPEAKS

2011-04-06T00:51:00.001-05:00

Ivory Coast President Laurent Gbagbo lost re-election but has retained his office by the simple expedient of refusing to admit defeat. So far his strategy is working, although it's led to hundreds of deaths and possibly a civil war.

The United Nations says the election was fair; Gbagbo lost and must step down.

The African Union says the election was fair; Gbagbo lost and must step down.

The U.S. State Department says the election was fair; Gbagbo lost and must step down.

Oklahoman U.S. Senator James Inhofe disagrees.

Inhofe, who has visited Ivory Coast and knows Gbagbo personally, says the president didn't lose the election. Inhofe says the election was fraudulent and should be done over. Inhofe says, "I am probably the most knowledgeable person about Africa in the U.S. Senate."

And he should know. He's James Inhofe.

PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING

2011-04-03T01:53:00.002-05:00

Last year median CEO pay rose 27 per-cent.

During that same period, their employees' pay rose 2.1 per-cent.

It's time for the peasants to revolt.

NO MUSLIMS NEED APPLY

2011-03-31T16:23:00.001-05:00

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain promises that, if elected, he will not appoint any Muslims to his Cabinet.

This surely will come as a relief to any Muslims who feared being called to service by this wingnut.

SERVICE WITH A SMILE

2011-03-27T02:15:00.004-05:00

Pharmacy robberies are becoming so common in Tulsa that the crooks are coming back for seconds.

One gunman has now held up the same pharmacy twice. I guess he likes the service.

At my pharmacy, I don't like the service. They sometimes make me wait a half hour for a prescription I phoned in the day before. But I see how a gun might speed things up.

FORBIDDEN BIBLES AND THE NAME OF GOD

2011-03-25T03:21:00.002-05:00

The Malaysian government seized 35,000 Malay-language bibles because they used Allah for the name of God.

In Malaysia, only Muslims are allowed to use the name Allah, and only Christians are allowed to posses bibles.

It's called separation of religion.

BUSINESS AS USUAL

2011-03-15T09:25:00.001-05:00

Mexico's newest drug gang, Knights Templar, announced its grand opening with signs and banners.

The old gang, La Familia, announced last month that it was going out of business.

The new signs read:

To the people of Michoacan,

we inform you that starting today
we will be carrying out here
the altruistic activities

previously realized by La Familia Michoacana.

Our commitment is to keep order;
avoid robberies, kidnappings, extortion;

and protect the state from interventions by rival organizations.

The Knights Templar.

It's always good to find a gang of thugs that care about the community.

WELCOME TO WAL-MART

2011-03-11T13:59:00.002-06:00

There was a shootout at my local Tulsa Wal-Mart, where a young man shot a teenager in the leg.

Cleanup on aisle seven!

A NIPPLE TO THE WISE

2011-03-07T10:01:00.000-06:00

Given Oklahoman's extreme sensitivity to undraped body parts, the latest art exhibit in downtown Tulsa comes with a warning label. The sign reads:

FYI:

This exhibition includes

paintings of nude women.

That oughta' pack 'em in.

SNOW KIDDING

2011-02-25T06:55:00.001-06:00

"We've gotten so much snow, it's starting to repeat itself -- I saw two snowflakes exactly alike!"

-- Melanie Klarman Fry on Facebook.

THE DELUSION CONTINUES

2011-02-24T21:08:00.002-06:00

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi says Osama bin Laden is causing the revolution in Libya.

Gadhafi says al-Qaida is giving teenagers "hallucinogenic pills in their coffee with milk, like Nescafe."

I'm not making this up.

RE SIGN

2011-02-24T03:04:00.000-06:00

McDonald's has a new breakfast item; it's oatmeal with fruit in it. But the changeable-letter sign-board at my local McDonald's reads:

NEW

FRUIT AND

OAT MEAL

Yup. Got yer fruit. Got yer oats. It's a meal.

THE SON ALSO RISES

2011-02-23T02:25:00.001-06:00

In a 40 minute finger-wagging televised speech, Colonel Moammar Gadhafi's son, Seif al-Islam Gaddafi, blamed the Libyan revolution on:

Islamists
the media
thugs
drunks
drug addicts
Egyptians
Tunisians
Americans
Europeans

Notably, Qadaffi did not blame:

space aliens
floride in the drinking water
his father

(How do you spell Kadafi? Any way you want.)

THEY'RE NOT LIKE US, YOU KNOW

2011-02-23T02:02:00.003-06:00

Who is a citizen of Oklahoma?

Senate Bill 898, if passed, would finally settle that once and for all. To be a citizen of Oklahoma you would have to be born in the U.S.A. and have at least one parent who is a citizen. Non citizens of Oklahoma would not be allowed to own property in the state.

That means that some legitimate U.S. citizens would not be Oklahoma citizens or able to own property here.

State Senator Ralph Shorty, who is an Oklahoma citizen, says "We're not saying they (non-citizens) are less than human. What we're saying is they are not Americans and have no rights thereof."

Of course, this is all about Mexicans. Oklahomans like their Mexicans. They'd like them to be somewhere else.

READ ALL ABOUT IT

2011-02-23T01:43:00.002-06:00

The Pentagon is declassifying the Pentagon Papers.

The papers are a record of America's secret history in Vietnam. They were stolen and published 40 years ago and have been widely available since. Still they were officially a secret all this time.

Today the Pentagon Papers, tomorrow the Wikileaks.

FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY

2011-02-15T17:47:00.003-06:00

Arab-American demonstrators rallied in Bixby, Oklahoma.

They carried signs reading "Democracy for Egypt" and "Honk your horns."

They chanted "Freedom must come."

The police did not shoot them or beat them.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak resigned.

And everybody went home.

THOSE WACKY WEGISWATORS

2011-02-02T11:28:00.002-06:00

A Maine legislator has introduced a bill to legalize switchblade knives for one-armed people.

I'm not making this up.

OOPS

2011-01-14T07:42:00.003-06:00

At her swearing-in on Monday, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin promised to "support, obey and offend" the constitution.

She's not alone.

Presidents Barack Obama, Calvin Coolidge and Chester A. Arthur also managed to mangle their oaths of office.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

2011-01-12T12:35:00.001-06:00

"I think that governor's phone is broke. He hadn't (sic) called yet."

-- The last words of convicted killer Jeffery David Matthews, executed last night at the Oklahoma State Penitentiary.

OOPS!

2011-01-05T14:23:00.002-06:00

Salman Taseer, governor of Pakistan's Punjab province, received so many death threats that he never traveled without a bodyguard.

In fact, it was his bodyguard who finally assassinated him yesterday.

GETTING HIGH FOR THE END TIMES

2010-12-23T01:45:00.000-06:00

Surely this must be a sign of the end times.

Pat Robertson has come out for the legalization of marijuana.

"I'm not exactly for the use of drugs, don't get me wrong, but I just believe that criminalizing marijuana, criminalizing the possession of a few ounces of pot, that kinda thing it's just, it's costing us a fortune and it's ruining young people. Young people go into prisons, they go in as youths and come out as hardened criminals. That's not a good thing."

-- Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson on a recent segment of his 700 Club television show.

SIGNS

2010-12-19T07:33:00.001-06:00

I was in Dallas the other day when there was an Amber alert. The electronic highway signs read:

Kidnapped Girl

Slvr Ford Focus

Call Police

And I thought how I'd hate to be driving a silver Ford Focus that day.

2010-12-19T07:29:00.000-06:00

At a Tulsa beauty salon the sign reads:

Waxing $5 and Up

So I wonder how they price? Does it depend on your level of hairyness or how good a job you want done?

I'm just askin'.

NIXON, ON TAPE

2010-12-11T08:09:00.000-06:00

From some newly released Richard Nixon tapes, Nixon on the Irish:
"The Irish can’t drink. What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I’ve known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish.”

Nixon on Italians:
“The Italians, of course, those people course don’t have their heads screwed on tight. They are wonderful people, but...” (Voice trails off."

Nixon on Jews:
“The Jews are just a very aggressive and abrasive and obnoxious personality.”

CHAPPY CHANUKKAH

2010-12-01T20:27:00.002-06:00

Tonight is the first night of the Jewish celebration of Hanukah, or Festival of Lights.

The story of Hanukkah is told in the Book of Maccabees. That book is not part of the Jewish bible. However, it is part of the Catholic bible. But Catholics don't celebrate Chanukkah. Go figure.

(How do you spell Chanukah? Any way you want.)

KRISTALLNACHT.

2010-12-01T20:20:00.001-06:00

I put my electric menorah in the window tonight and lit the first bulb. So now the neighbors know I'm Jewish.

There's an old Jewish tradition from the old country that when the goyim find out you're Jewish, they come around at night and break your windows.

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

2010-11-26T13:19:00.001-06:00

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

-- Jon Stewart

BEWARE THE BIRD

2010-11-25T00:18:00.000-06:00

The media are all over the latest round of scare stories. This time it's about Thanksgiving. The primary dangers are these:

Stuffing cooked in the bird can carry salmonella, which can can cause food poisoning, which can lead to death.
Overeating can lead to fatness, which can lead to heart disease, which is a leading cause of death.
Drinking too much can cause drunkenness, which can lead to death.
Putting up Christmas lights can lead to electrocution.

So have a safe... Oh, forget it. Stuff yourself with stuffing. Eat too much. Drink too much. Then climb out onto the roof with a string of Christmas lights. Live life on the edge.

Have a fun Thanksgiving.

LAW AND ORDER

2010-11-24T17:44:00.001-06:00

The Roselle Park, New Jersey city council has banned people from sleeping in cars, parks, and public places.

The law applies to rich and poor alike.

***

Boise, Idaho police arrested a woman who was feeling up other woman in bars by impersonating a plastic surgeon and giving breast exams.

On my best night I could not have pulled off that line.

***

University of New Mexico campus cops ticketed a vehicle three times before they noticed the dead driver in the front seat,

The upside: She won't have to pay the parking fines.

***

Los Angeles will help homeless people who live in their cars to find overnight parking.

###

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

2010-11-23T01:32:00.000-06:00

So this jogger dropped dead a few blocks from my house the other day.

Marcus Takach was 27-years-old. He was ten miles into the Route 66 half marathon when he died of sudden cardiac arrest. His last words were, "Help me!"

His father called Marcus a "fitness nut."

In the five-year history of the event, Marcus is the second to die.

This is why I avoid exercise. It'll kill ya'.